My Home

Have you ever got lost in an ice desert?

Felt that extreme cold touches.. it can even froze your soul itself.. cruel harsh nature and you are trying to just stay alive..

Walking.. walking and never reach your destination.. every now and then you find a spot you can feel it might be your final destination and you found out it’s like final destination horror movie..

Walk again.. and again.. sit.. like you are carrying tons of ice above your shoulders.. Feel nothing.. Wait nothing but die.. Waiting for death won’t be such a bad idea at that time..

When surrender.. when lose hope.. dreams.. the wish to fight for your life.. when lose everything else.. you see a light, faraway, you can tell it’s a destination.. is it your destination?

Do you have the strength to go up and try?
Walk?
One more mile?
Can you believe it?
Maybe it is just a mirage.. like everything else? Will you go?

I went.. I gave myself another chance.. I shake the snow from my shoulders which piled for decades.. My 36 years starting the moment I was born.. the frozen soul over the years, like living in an ice desert ..

I went.. i followed my heart promising myself it would be the last time i will ever let the lead to my heart..

I went.. to the light.. like a butterfly, i though if i got burnet it will be the end of the road and i may catch my breath in heaven or hell, or it might be my last chance to find my last destination.. my home..

I let go.. I gave my heart the lead.. and it led me to my home.. a cozy warm spot in the ice desert..

A little cottage in the middle of the ice desert.. i found it.. It wasn’t a mirage.. it was my final destination.. My home.

The End

What if you know when you are going to die? And waiting your ending?

It could ruin the whole life.. If you are waiting for the end of a life or a love story.. It could ruin the whole story before it even starts.. And it could ruin the life.. It will ruin the sweetness of the beginnings..

“The Ending” my first concern, It is my defense mechanism to stop your invasion into my deepest..

A defense mechanism to hide into my shell.. I think of the end to avoid the whole story.. Why go through a painful sweet story while I know the end..

Prediction? To predict the expected is not a prediction, I expect the sweetness of the beginnings.. shiny like a diamond ring with a touch of a sunray.. tender as a jasmine rose.. Cold breath in a hot summer day..

A blossom touches the deepest point in your soul.. crawling inside slowly, till tighten its grip on your heart.. then, the end begins..

Starting to squeeze your heart slowly minute by minute then crash it and leave it as smashed meet ball, bleeding in misery..

It is not a pridection it is happining already from the beginning of creation to the end of existence.. Everything has an end.. starting with phone calls to the life itself.

*A sound of the Alarm ringing*

The alarm is ringing, The morning is already here that soon?
I woke up every day wish to close my eyes again and stay in bed, and a question pop up in my head! CAN YOU? My conscious asked.
I stay silent for a an eye blink then I answer No, I can’t.

If I answered yes, I’d be a cowered not facing my responsibilities and accept them.

That can lead me to another direction, Do I love my responsibilities??

My deep deep conscious –what does it call?- will answer NO.
But my awake mind is programmed to respect its responsibilities and deal with them, putting much effort to make the job done, even if I don’t like it, I think my mom has raised me up well.

What was the first idea of that blog? Oh, my sleep disorder due to my responsibilities, which I’m not that good doing them, but I swear to God I’m doing my best even if it’s not enough still count as the best I can do.

Did my responsibilities have shown up by their own? No, it was my choice, to be part of a family, get married and have kids, I can count that a bad idea which my mom told me “You have to be married and have kids” , yet she was always encouraging me to have a career “You have to have a job” , She wanted me to have her life, married with children, and her dream life, to have a career.
When rethinking.. Was it really my choice? Or have I got married only to make her happy? She didn’t live the two lives so she has no idea how hard to have the both.

Sorry for distracting you!! I know I do, but that’s how my mind is working, a million idea at the same time.
Back to the main idea, I have responsibilities, I don’t love them, but I have to deal with them.

Transformers 2

Transformation..

At my new working place it's totally different..the first thing I looked for is the bathroom, OMG! They have a decent nice smell bathrooms! Okay am in..

A real working place, people whom are staring at their computers all day, everyone is holding a lab top and going in a hurry to catch a meeting! Dealing with the business as it is theirs! WOW!!

Smiley persons, people who took showers and shaved before going to work, a baby foot table!!! WHAT?! A bing bong table!!! WHAT?! A garden for smokers and eating?! WHAT?! Am I in an American movie or something?!

Work in groups?! Team work spirit?! Am I I Egypt?!

It's real, am not dreaming, all the time they welcoming me "welcome on board" I just wanted to tell them please people welcoming me to real life, real work, real competitiveness, goals I've to know..work on it, think how to achieve it and achieve it..

A chance to be different , to be able to make a difference. That's all I was looking for.

Transformers 1

You know "Transformers"!! Am one of them..

Transformation..for almost six years I worked at Customs Authorities,Ministry of Finance.

For me as an interior designer it wasn't my best choice to my career

But it was my best choice for my personal life, Short working hours from 9 or 10 am till 2 or 2:30 pm, flexibility to be singed for without going to work, I can go sign and leave after one hour! Yes it was easy, no boss can harm me or fire me, and I've the right to be signed-for for three days per month plus my usual vacations I can take..

But..what about the work itself? My responsibilities were a lot, I had to deal with customers personally though it's illegal, but the boss said it's okay, every month I had to write like 18 papers of records with Exemptions and count endless amount of papers to send it to other Authorities that am sure no one will look at..

The concept was, "I work , I don't I got paid at the end of month"

It was a shock for me when I first joined it, it was in Alexandria at the port there, OMG! they take extra money from people to do their job!! Bribe!! يالا هول الصاعقة..

It was my first meet to the real life around me, then I moved to Cairo, and it was the same, and I must say in Cairo where I was working they weren't all take money, and the people who accept bribe never take it as money but as gifts..

Yes corruption at the lowest level still yet corruption..

My work place was the best I can find, with air conditions, they stopped working but they were one day! But we had to pay the office boy to clean around the desks! Yes he works when he has the mood for it, we can find mouses, and Crocks and of course a bad very bad smell bathroom!

But there were people I loved and still love, if I may say people whom are not like me, but I loved them as they were and they loved me the way I was, regardless of the non stop talking about why I'm not wearing a vail!

There was Noha..she was a stranger like me, never belonged there and never will.

There was Randa my dear christine friend, she taught me a lot about her religion without any sensitively, she never got upset from my non stoppable questions.

There were Enji, the most talkative girl I've ever met so far, she can tell a story with an acting scene and a scenario.

There was Zozo, my direct boss, she were the most fun niqab wearing lady I've ever met, with her proverbs and siko siko talking everyday.

There was Magdi, my boss whom can drink "mayet elsalta" per breakfast.

It was too hard for me to leave there though all these things, I was to attached to them, I've never laughed in my life like I was with them, and when the moment came I didn't say goodbye I just left without telling them it's my last day, I hate goodbyes.

ليتني أستطعت أن أمحوك من ذاكرتي

خططت كثيرا لعودتك لي.. ماذا سأقول.. كيف أقوله؟

كيف سأرفض حبك و سأنتقم لجرحك لي..
سأقول أنني تخطيتك ووضعتك علي رفوف ذكرياتي..
سأقول أنني توقفت عن حبك يوم محوتني مما أنتمي له..
سأقول أنني أتمني لك حظا سعيدا مع أمرأة غيري..
ولكني..
لم أقل شئ الا أحبك.. لم أجد غيرها لأقوله..ولن أجد غيرها لأقوله.. أحبك

ألجمتني المفاجأة.. ربما لأنك عدت فجأة و بلا مقدمات..
ربما لأنك عدت حين تشابهت أيامي بغيابك عني..
ربما لأنك عدت حين توقفت عن أنتظارك..
ليس لأنني توقفت عن حبك.. ولكن لأنني تعبت من الأنتظار.. مللته ..الي حد السأم
لماذا رحلت ان كنت تنوي العودة؟

ولماذا عدت ان كنت سترحل مرة اخري؟

أتذكر لقاءنا الأول؟

أتذكر كم كان لقاءا عجيبا؟ لم تكن أنت في وضع المسيطر كما تحب دائما.. لم تخترقني كما ظننت و كما قلت أنك ستفعل.. أخترقتك أنا.. تبادلنا الادوار.. لم تدر أنت من اين تبدأ و أنا !!.. أنا في قمة الجرأة مذهولة من نفسي..

كيف تبادلنا الادوار؟ أفكر كثيرا.. عندما أستعيد اللحظة.. أدرك الأن أنك لم ترغبني كما رغبتك.. لم تشتهيني كما أشتهيتك.

واضحة أنا مع نفسي.. لا أخجل مما أشعر.. لا أدعي الفضيلة و أشتهي الخطيئة بداخلي..

لم تكن تريدني.. أدرك هذا الأن فقط.. لم تريدني قط.. فقط احببت رغبتي فيك و اشتهائي لك.

حيرة غبية تتملكني كلما تذكرتك..لا أدري لماذا؟ تحيرني رغبتي فيك دون ان أعرفك.. تحيرني "أنا" لأنها تقبل منك ما ترفضه بشدة من غيرك.. تحيرني تلك "المرأة" التي أتحول اليها لحظة ان تحادثني.. من هي؟ من أين تأتي؟

أكانت بداخلي كل هذه السنين و لم أرها ألا معك؟

من انت؟ لماذا أنت؟ لماذا أنا؟...ما هذا !!!

كم غريب من الأسئلة كلما تذكرتك و تنتهي كما بدأت بالحيرة البلهاء.. لأنني لا أجد أية أجابات لأسئلتي تلك.. ولكن فقط حين أتذكر لحظاتي القليلة معك لا أشعر بالذنب.. أشعر أنني فعلت ما كان يجب أن أفعله منذ لحظة أن عرفتك.